Sobriety and breaking cycles

I’ve had extreme alcohol craving over the past few months, weeks days. They’ve been getting stronger with the commitment I’ve made to self to change my lifestyle. See, I started gym around August last year. I’ve been reaping rewards, pushing myself and honoring my commitment to self. 


My whole system has been itching to self sabotage. All my triggers seem to have been released. One after the other, at times all at once they’ve been popping up in my face. Assuring me, smiling a smile of familiarity and guiding me back to my toxic traits.


I’ve just not been satisfied by my partner lately. I love this woman whole heartedly, yet my triggers have been whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I’ve been contemplating cheating for a while now. Playing it out over and over in my head. The cheatee options are quite appetizing too. 


Today I had beer. After, close to a year of sobriety. I was caught in the crossfire. 


I almost killed myself with judgement. I decided to say a prayer. That whisper came back: you’ve been drinking, you can’t pray now. I decided to pray anyway. I told God honestly that I don’t know. That I don’t know a thing. And even that which I know/thought I knew was nothing. 


God said: 

What have you learned from this? 


I have learned that I should always pay attention to why I’m being triggered and nurture myself and that. Guard your energies and spirit.


Love 💜

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