At first glance you would not see it, In fact you would mistake it for a rudeneSs that masks my face. I would sometimes mask it with a smile so that you can approach as I have been told that I sometimes carry an intimidating non approachable aura!
I often wondered if that meant I am ugly or something which sometimes killed my confidence. It would come at me when I least expected or i would just be oblivious to how it just seams through my aura. It would influence my body language and that just scared a lot of people off…This dark energy that bubbled in me for a long time was Pain!
Pain from my childhood haunts me till this day, just when I thought I was over things an elder who forms part of that childhood would say something and I would come down on them with a rage of a poked bull. This pain has bred an awful offspring called Anger and anyone who would dare remind me of the root of this pain like someone elder ignoring my views or imposing their philosophy on me would unfortunately face off with the offspring of this pain, Anger would come out to meet whoever and wherever, there would be no brakes or consideration of age difference this anger would come out at defend the little boy who is now grown and can’t be bullied anymore. The offspring leaves anyone who evokes it wondering who this monster is and what happened to the sweet little boy who used to be bullied and ran over. This pain they inflicted created an unstable emotional hulk.
The pain of my past relationships haunts me as well. It gave birth to a sibling to anger, a subtle but active paranoia. This paranoia is a liability because for the most parts it’s unwarranted. Everyone who comes into my space now Has to deal with trust issues because of where I have been, In my world there are no innocent calls from guy friends, In my world there are no girls nights out without an agenda, in my world your woman’s friends will lead her astray and seduce you just to feel good about themselves, in my world because of this pain I have seen I am always looking for signs wrongdoing. Even when I know the truth I still dig because of the pain of my past that has put fear in my heart.The problem Is that when paranoia is on his vices big brother anger steps up and that does not end well. Some women have seen a side of me I am not proud of and lucky are those who have not because maybe our encounter did not leave them broken.
Even though I know better this pain taunts me,I can’t celebrate anything without thoughts of it being short-lived lingering. When I get happy for a minute I wonder what bad I am gonna have to deal with after the joy. Pain of my past nearly destroyed me and a lot that I have lost is because of it’s residence in my heart.
One day I will bury the mother and her sons.
Pain, anger and paranoia but till then the Pain of my past haunts me!!!