I’m Not Coping

Trying not to think about you but you’re the only thing on my mind today.
I’m avoiding contact.
My entire Being is eager to be in touch with you just not sure what to say.
I’m in denial.

I keep wishing that I could take back the hands of time wish I had a chance to right my wrongs.

Alone I feel strong yet when I face you I wanna break down and tell you it ain’t the same and I’m not as strong.

Every smell, every song I listen to, program, movie or just people I see reminds me of us. How do I go on when my heart is drenched in your love.
You bring me joy, butterflies in my tummy as I write to you hoping you will read and respond.

I know that thinking of us hurts cause of what I did but wishing we were together excites you more cause what we shared was more than amazing.

I am not blind to the fact that you will look at us differently with more caution though I assure you that I would rather withstand that emotion than be alone without you. I feel like I’m on a cliff about to fall, I’m so anxious that I’m losing control of my core and hoping the world would hide me so I never have to face the embarrassment of a love I lost and hear the universe laugh at my stupidity.

I am begging to hold your hands again. I am aching to touch your skin and smell your aura through your pores, to rub your head gently while listening to your thoughts, to hear you breath calmly as you lay on my chest and i hold you in my heart, and to be excited as you tell me how much you love and care for me. I want to work it all out and heal all the sores those created by me and the ones further back. Our period was short but it moved my world to extraordinary pinnacles some of which I have not reached cause your hand has left mine. I still stretch out with so much effort and intensity to even grab your fingertips and haul you closer to me breaking those bonds of resistance.

I want you back, I need you back to have my back as I have yours. I want to shadow our pain, protect our love and shine out our passion. God knows I have flawed and many more you should know. I want to open my world to you so you are never in the dark about my fears and aspirations, I want to lead my life and yours with blessings unimaginable and never lose a breath in fear it will be my last.
All I shared with you was genuine and unique just to us.

It may seem difficult to believe or accept still I know your heart is greater than your mind. You may not want to feel these emotions of love or being yet they drive us to never lose what we cherish the most. You are the biggest part of me and even when I wasn’t sure I fell for you till the surety was sealed in a web of God’s love. You are my every feeling, my friend, my best friend and my girl and one day a blessing greater.

I hope I ain’t pushing you further away with my emotions unless you feel nothing but to know where I currently stand with you will free my spirit. If it’s yes then I ain’t saying it will be easy still I’ll make it work as I promised for life and if it’s no then it will be even harder but I’ll never forget you still work on making life a better place for my emotions.

I am Zwelethu Dzimba on facebook

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