Missing My Mom

It does not happen very often but when it does I really like to BE present in that moment.
As the years have gone by the picture of my mom has faded.

I just get a general idea of what she looked like. The other day my little sister sent me a picture of her. It was about a week ago. We even spoke about her and it saddened me that she had very little memory of her as she passed away when she was 5years of age. Memories are funny things. In my head I thought that she would remember her cos I remembered her but of course being so young just did not help.

I cannot remember any tangible things that I did with my mom.

It’s been so many years now.
She left the world in January 2001. I was ten going on 11. About to start grade 5.
It makes it 13years ago when she left.

I have no idea WHY I miss her TONIGHT but I do and I have an urge to just write about it and release it from my system.

I really miss her.
I don’t even dream about her anymore.

I remember through the denial stage when I would dream about her being alive and she would tell me stuff but that has not happened in many years. I also remember having a nightmare about her dying.
As I write this, I am transported to the day she died.

How I saw her lying there on the floor.

I figure she fell off the chair she had been sitting on.
She didn’t die in bed.
For the first time in quite some time she was able to get up and sit on a chair.
And it was the last thing she did.

I don’t know if she called out to anyone.
All I remember was being called by some women that had come to pay her a visit.
As soon as I saw her there, I knew deep inside that she was no more.

I was so calm.
I think it was because of the surrealness of it all.
I remember being so preoccupied by other things.
Telling those closest to me about it.

It was one hell of a week.
My future was uncertain.
I did not know what would become of me or my sisters.
I also remember seeing her in the coffin.

Lying there, Looking like she would open her eyes.
But she never did.
It was at that point that I realised she was long gone.
People kept saying the things that people are expected to say when such things happen.
Words which are meant to comfort but hardly achieve that.

I don’t cry often.
But tonight I miss her so much that I cannot stop the tears from falling.

I had an amazing mom.
Whom I love immensely.
And I know she is one of the angels that look after me from above.

Tonight,
I remember her.
Ngiyakukhumbula mama wami.
Indodakazi Yakho.

I am Thandeka TJ Jwaha on Facebook

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