What is it that I have that keeps me going ?
What is it that I have that keeps me from falling?
It is nothing big, nothing dramatic but just Faith.
Faith that I will still find reasons as to why this happened
Faith that will help me not to feel abandoned.
Faith that, no matter how low I may be feeling now, the light that was taken away from me will still come back.
But what is this Faith?
Faith to me is not a “What” it is a “Who”
Who who’s a “He”
And he has been my friend since my tender ages
He carried me through all forms of Stages
Helped me to conquer the cages
And taught me to cry with ink on blank pages.
Yes, I have wept with ink on those pages, jotting down good and sad stories but not the worst ones.
Simply because I never had any.
But life has a funny way of teaching us lessons so here starts my worst story…
It became clear that I may have pushed away people who really cared about me, or just that I trusted my instincts enough that I managed to beat the clock,
Enough that I allowed nothing to throw me in and run with the lock ..but I honestly do not know!!
After a month of Sundays trying to reject this soul,
I finally submitted the acceptance text into their pigeonhole
Not because I wanted to, just because I felt that I needed to.
Deep inside I knew, that I was losing my virtue,
That I wasn’t a statue
So I had the ability to analyse the value..
But I did not.
I went on with that extracurricular activity
And it gave me the friendship responsibility
Now here starts a list of friends I met..
Everything was memorable
It made me believe that loneliness was indeed curable.
It was fun calling home to say “Mom do not worry, I am fine”
Until that all went away with time.
The soul could not get enough of bumping uglies with other souls and that gave me new friends in the end.
Brokenness came to me running, telling me that he had finally caught up with me, he has been chasing me for years.
I knew he was toxic, so I leaned on God and got a new friend named Hope
before Brokenness could finish giving me tips on how to hang myself with a rope.
Hope was a special kind of friend.
He cared for me,
Loved me tenderly
And told me that I was and will forever be a shining star
Even with the biggest scar
That Brokenness had left on me.
He made me believe that nothing was impossible
As long as I saw it as possible.
He repeatedly told me that receiving a miracle was feasible.
But there was something I could not understand about this special friend of mine.
I do not know if Brokenness was playing with my mind
but Hope kept on disappearing into the space and I had to search for him.
I had to search for him because he was the one keeping me sane,
He was the only one who made sure that I never met anybody named Pain.
During the course of searching for him, I met the new guy and this is how he became my friend…
I ran to him and said “Hey, I have lost my friend, Hope. Have you seen him?”
“No, I have never seen or even known anybody called Hope in my life. And by the way, my name is Panic and I can be your new friend” He said.
That was another thing I could not resist
For our friendship to exist.
At that point, I did not want to continue breathing
Because of the pain I was feeling.
I wished I could wake up and say “I was just dreaming”
But that line, at that time was something without meaning.
Despite every toxic friendship I had,
I still had myself to run back to.
I told myself that kneeling down to pray and keeping my eyes above the waves will be the best ways to make sure that I am no longer the devil’s prey.
I confidently carried the weight off my shoulders.
I could then run faster, and I found Hope again.
I regained my composure and remembered that with Faith, the world could get cold but will not get colder.
Brokenness started growing weak and older
Because on my God I was a holder.
My friends and I have seen things together and that helped me not to have a memory like a sieve.
Shout out to my toxic friend, I may have allowed you to be my controller.
But in the end, I know that you have seen that I am a crying Soldier!
My friends and I !
My Good, Toxic Friends and I!
I am John Ncongwane on facebook