Be Alive

It’s easy to fall in love with Ghosts and things…

To live your life watching the movie of your dreams and hoping that one day you will get a chance too to be the star of your story.

I’ve been living like that for the longest time. I know.
I know loneliness and afraid and not good enough.

I got to know her quite well
I know Love me make me better make me love me.
I know I’m not good enough for you to love me. And I will fail.

I know You need to become that perfect creature good enough for me to love you. But I’ll still fail.

I know give me a little bit of your attention.
And Approve of me so I can approve of myself
And I’m not taking responsibility for this mess so I don’t have to do anything.

And I know it’s all your fault. (can’t be me)
I’m admitting all my stuff, revealing it all out in the open so I can set me free.

And so that I can live again, Truthfully
I’m admitting all my stuff so that I can be me.

And so that I can have free time again. (What’s with this 24-hour running grinding stressing and still being broker than I used to be anyways?)

I really just want to create, Masterfully.
Create work. Create Art. Create Art that is my work
I truly just want to sing, it turns out, I can be music. that’s melody.

And I feel much more capab;e, though I am making room to accept myself and love myself in all the times when I don’t actually have it figured out.

And give myself credit for all the ways that I do.
And I’m learning to lean in to being vulnerable.

The truth of this love and life and nature is that love is vulnerable
And fulfilling
And loving you
And there is so many things to celebrate

And it doesn’t always have to be a poetry
And it doesn’t always have to be certainty
But it does have to be true
and I missed out on so many loves and lovers but that actually is old news now

So thank you
and there absolutely no point in looking at whats happening yesterday

Because everyday we are new
Everyday you are new
Its okay to feel the past if its hurting you

Just a little bit for people like me who didn’t want to acknowledge that
the hurting you was there
but only for a little bit
enough to let it fly off into its own summertime.

And to let you be brand new
and its enough to want to be loved and all lovable
by other people
but its even more enough
to be in love with Love and loving you

It means giving up your perception of what it means what other people think
which is dangerous for a novice because, what else am I to do?

it’s a scary place to give up all control
(because living according to the rules is safe and control and though difficult, is always something you can do)

The reality is I need to give up all control
all knowing it, and expectations, and rules I made for myself
and celebrations
and it means going against the rules and these predictable outcomes

Oh My God!!!! I’m gonna be a broke disorganised poorly dressed starving hippie without a CL63AMG and no marriage and no fancy things and no healthcare and my teeth will fall out and I will be ugly and live in my mothers slightly dysfunctional house and feel like a turtle trapped in its own turtleneck forever and Prince Harry will never marry me and I will be alone and confused and my instagram account will be more interesting but I will have stopped playing by the rules and given up this multi million dollar business of property and my world domination plans will turn to nothing even if I didn’t really want to dominate I just wanted to be big how can I be big when I stop playing by these rules that I have made up for myself…

In order to be free.
I secretly do want more free time, to wake up in new destinations, more beaches, more nature, more outsides, more insides.

I want to live by the ocean. I want to be there right now. And swim in the sea. I miss East London more than I miss any human body, just, swimming in the sea.

I want to design clothes, make fashion, live free. I want to love living in poetry, super and model. I want to stop caring what you think. I choose me.
And life. And life abundantly.

And the master of this Master that has got me by the navel calling “Uncle!” – Patience. And Faith. And Free. And I know it has always been out here, just waiting for me to show up.

Waiting for me to let go of my control. And baggage. And need to be approved and liked, as if external validation can absolve me from having to let go of my own hurt and insecurities and pasts and and pains and judgements and the need to become right.

I don’t need to become right. Right doesn’t always mean happiness, or correct, or balanced, or fun. Right just means arrogance, and insecurity, and power control and not enough. Wrong isn’t true either. And Who am I if I am isn’t Kweli. Kweli means Truth.

I know you love me right now at this very moment, Life. And I know how much I love you.
I know that everything I have ever needed has been on the other side of fears, nothing can ever deny Truth. And I know that fear is nothing other than a signpost, a learning curve for me to get to know you. For me to get to fulfill my purpose.

Though I may not know consciously what I need to do, I do know that deep inside my core, being and Spirit, I have always known you, and I have always known what I have been missing, and I have always known what to do. And I always do know what to do.

Today, I choose to resist the urge to go running, screaming into things that are not fulfilling and serving for me, my work or my business.
Today, I choose to resist the urge to compromise my own health, well being, PACE and destiny in order to accommodate the whims, needs and flimsies of others.

Today, I choose to PROTECT MYSELF, guard my heart and my Spirit. I choose to resist the temptation to fall into the belief that any of my actions could have a negative effect on those around me and family. You and I know exactly what that means.

You and I know exactly how allowing myself to become the upliftment or downfall of other grown up individuals has been so spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and financially draining on me. and this is the biggest root cause of my fears and my frustrations. Not in them, but in me.

Help me to find , no, EXPRESS the strength, courage, wisdom in me to be able to protect my own dreams, be my own saviour and be enough to help all the others around me BECAUSE I built these boundaries and strengths within me.

I openly allow myself to TRUST MYSELF, FOLLOW MY OWN PACE and be FREE.
I am terrified, scared to relinquish this is all I have come to know. But more than anything I am confident in you, and I am confident in me, and it takes a little nudge to just push me over the edge so I can fall ( baby eagle, sky and diving, bungee) but I have a feeling that you will catch me. I haven’t had this feeling before.

I allow myself to dive straight into you. Please help me.
I have no plan. No idea. No timing (seriously, it’s month end, visa time, the rents due are you crazy?!?!?)

I do, however, have a desire; a willingness so keen and so deep. I do have an understanding that it is simply the PRESENCE of God (and that means basically everything) that is the blessing and the healing and the abundances that I am looking for and so, I am (somewhat) confident. I guess this is a live lesson in Faith too. I guess, this is a live demonstration of me Trusting you. And celebrating how to live and BE TRUE.

I’m taking a half day. Hiring a new PA (“with what money?!” Shut up little doubtmonster).
I’m dipping out to build my passion business (“passions don’t make profit! you’re letting your family and property self down!” Shut up little doubtmonster)
It’s almost 8 o’clock. My first meeting is at 8:30.

This has been enough for grace and truth and honesty. Thank you for hearing me.
May your presence, love and contentment fill me up and strengthen me. May I live and breathe the joy that is in myself, as it is in You, and as it is You.

I am Gugu Kweli Kheswa on facebook

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