Steel Nerves Can’t Play Touchers

Nobody told me that hash tags are supposed to delineate an entire thought process. I wouldn’t be throwing them around so much if I knew.

One thing I learned from my escapades in social media is that people are listening, watching you show off yourself even you think no one cares. You’re always asking for attention, in certain mindstates, always crying out for help.

If you’re always wounded its always obvious, if you’re always lost, we always see. #yolo #imhiding #somebodynoticeme #imnottellingthetruth
The selfie revolution is for our vanities, insanities, insecurities. Not for people like me who carry tension in their shoulders, nervous conditions behind big beaming smiles.

People like us are a bit too wounded, too scarred by life to trust it, to show up, or show any more bravado than we already need to for just being alive. It bes like that sometimes.

And for a moment, we get jaded. Called for help that never came far too many times. Trusted in people and plans and things that could never hold you far too many times. Spent hours, days, months trying to keep your life together, steeled veins, stiff neck, dead silent lest you crack and some unfortunately timed selfie reveals the sad in you.

So you keep your head low, try not to show too much of yourself, or whatever little you can feel anyway, and keep going through the motions. #stillfunctioning #dowhatihaveto #whatsafeelingagain?

And opportunities come, and life starts ( keeps on moving) and it finally becomes real and all that was yours that you cannot deny makes itself available to you, reveals itself in time. And you are there, celebrating, seeing, but never feeling, the progression of time. Too scared (scarred) by life to trust it. Too much rock and petrified nerve endings, too much numb and senses made of steel.

The self and centered revolution is for our vanities, insanities, insecurities.
It goes on like that for days, weeks, months. You lose track of yourself, become caught up in your own silence and mess and clutter.

And the sunsets go unnoticed and the wind no longer smiles (it used to) and your laughter comes out a little stunted. For days, weeks, months, you are vaguely aware of this slight, uneasy feeling that has nestled so deep into your heart. The million voices in your head that have nothing and everything to say, that mete out into a constant hum. You don’t know when it started. You don’t know how it stops. For days, weeks, months.

Until the day you play stuck in the mud with a 4 year old. Or run away from an imaginary lion that wears suspiciously tiny shoes and has just learnt to spell cat. Until the day you learn to take your life less seriously. Steel nerves can’t play touchers.

Pretty soon, the wind smiles again. And on days that it doesn’t, the sunset is noticed. That queasy hum in your head gives way to precious glimpses of silence. For the first time in days, weeks, months, you are getting over yourself. Feel welcomed to life. You feel. Welcome to life.

Inspired by an awkward status update, intense embarrassment (see, feelings) and the beautiful realisation that something bigger than we (I) know is going on here. Amen.

I am Gugu Kweli Kheswa on Facebook

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