Point of No Return

I sat in the waiting room, feeling glued to my chair.
I sat immobile for a good three hours, I felt as though this was happening to another and not to me, I was merely a spectator looking in and just watching it all unfold.

I know there were moments of great activity, but I could not tell you who was coming and going.
My mind was too busy for that, completely consumed by all sorts of scenarios.

Why is it that when something bad happens you find yourself thinking about all the things you could have done to have prevented it from happening?

My mind was working at a rapid pace. My heart was beating fast,But I had made up my mind. It was time to get it over and done with.

I was scared, utterly alone and the thought of what ifs would not let up. Having weighed the pros and cons, I decided that the pros far outweighed the cons, for me at least.”

Ms H, we are ready to come see you…” The voice was polite enough, but I was not fooled, I could sense the judgmental eyes follow me, trying to penetrate and get through to me not to go through with this.

Funny how I had debated countless times about this yet I found myself here, having to do that which many women have done before me, and many more will still do after me.

I was here to do a TOP. Not an easy decision to have made, but it had to be done. I disrobed and put on the hospital gown, got on the table and spread my legs as instructed.

I tried to dissociate from my body so as to remove myself from this situation, the doctor came, explained that they would suction the baby out of me and that I would feel some pain but it would not be too long before it was over.

I just nodded.
She started the procedure, and the foetus was sucked out of me. Not a tear escaped through my eyes. I was not there. This was not happening to me.

I wish I could say I was relieved to have gone through it, but I was not but nor was I particularly sad either. I had to do it, had to rid myself of this “thing” as I had been thinking of it.

It was not easy, but it had to be done.

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