Last night I had this dream last so embarassing I had to survive it to tell the tale. In the dream it’s like we were in a very, very big hall; a Unisa exam kinda hall, a Ghalleger Estate kinda hall. Seated 500-850 plus people, waiting for a famous, international guest speaker to make a grand entrance to present his talk.
There’s just a soft buzz across the hall as people chit-chat about this and that. Then I realise that I needed to go pee. It would be wise for me to go pee before the talk starts because I don’t know how long the talk’s gonna take and how long will I be able to hold the pee. Besides, even if I can hold it through the talk it would be extremely uncomfortable to hold pee for such an anticipated long time.
So I make a decision. I AM GOING TO PEE BEFORE THE TALK STARTS!
Now I look for an exit with my eyes first, eish, there is it right at the front of the hall where we all facing and supposedly that’s the door where the speaker’s gonna make his entrance. Secondly, I check where I’m seated in the hall in relation to the exit and calculate how will I walk from here to the exit. Eish! I’m seated right in the middle of the hall and I’ll have to walk several meters to the exit with over 500 people looking at me!!!???
Fuck, fuck, fuck! I make a crucial decision: FUCK, I GOTTA GO!My plan is simple. I get up, don’t walk but run mildly to the exit. Before anybody knows it, I’m back at my seat.
You know why I decided to run? Simply because walking would mean taking a lot of time making my way across the hall to the exit door. That would mean attracting some unnecessary attention and a thousand eyes looking at me walking.
The next thing I know I’ll be looking down shyly and end up tripping on a piece of carpet or my foot tripping on the other,just being clumsy. I couldn’t afford that, so I run.Or else I had to adopt one of those apparently cool gangster-rapper walks and look cool through and through. But, naaah, I’ll run. Less time, less attention.
I got up, here we go, jogged lightly across the hall, cool. So far, so good. Got to the door, opened it, I’m outside by the rubbish bins, fuck, that’s the fire escape, ok, I’m back in, scanned the hall quickly, on my far right across the hall there’s an exit, ma bad, no sweat, I jog there, oops, door locked.
By this time the buzz in the hall gets quiter and I could sense a lot of piercing eyes. I’m thinking to myself, “Tupac would love this, ALL EYES ON ME”.
My head’s spinning and I’m now far from my seat and I’m literally lost in the hall full of people who are staring at me! I scan the hall again god damn, there’s the exit right at the back of the hall written with bold, illuminated letters EXIT.
I’m like “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!” I’m thinking I’m in too deep already, I might as well jog again across the hall again to the exit. As I took the first five step of my jog, the mic goes “Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Mr….” And I’m right there in the middle of the hall. I freeze a little but eventually crouch down to look for the nearest seat for refuge until the speaker has made his entrance.
The problem is I can’t find a vacant seat nearby and by this point I’m all over people’s faces desperately looking for a seat. This is the point where I heard single, isolated voices talking to me or referring to me.
I heard one Motswana lady going “Keng ka setlatla see, o tsubile nyaope nare motho oo?!” Then a Mosotho lady added “Atle ho nna mona ke a mo nyedisa!”
As I frantically searched for a seat I also thought I might as well go back to my seat, at least I’m sure that one is vacant. There’s only one problem: I CAN’T FIND MY SEAT!!! I’m lost. I’m looking. I’m searching. I’m all up people’s faces. People are like “Hei, hei, ke oo motho, o tswa kae yena oo a tlo re tena mo!”
I think at some point I even sat on some guy’s lap just to let the dust settle, but that was followed by bare knuckles on my ribs and a deadly warning “Tshek wena man, jou moer!” and a compliment “Aowa betha mptja ee man!”
The next thing I knew, I woke up abruptly with a deep sigh. But, aaaaaah, I was on my bed, in my bedroom.
The only real thing about my dream was, true to form, I was pressed for real, Ineeded to pee.Hahahahaha… woke up, stretched a little, scratched my balls a little, yawned a little, under the cover of darkness, took about four steps to the exit of my bedroom, another two to the bathroom, and I whipped out my tool.
As I stood there finally taking this hard-earned piss, I laughed at my dream self and wondered how it all ended up.
I am Mohau Mathebula on facebook