Day 14 – 91 Days of Gratitude

Day 14
Self-Awareness

Disclaimer: TW Sexual Abuse
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I have attachment issues. Majorly so. I know this.
I know that I have always reacted a certain way that has not always made sense to others.

I will start from as far as I can remember.

After I was molested by a boy cousin/uncle (my mother’s cousin) when I lived in Soweto and they found out via those health screenings that used to happen at schools and a school nurse picked up that something had happened. I think that I may have told her what happened without realising that I should not have. Thereafter my mom swooped down to Soweto and took me.
I remember a lot of doctor visits and stuff and then I lived with one of my mom’s employers 5days a week and would be with her for the weekend.
I am unsure of how long this took place but I definitely remember that I loved living with them.

Then a couple of years later, we were taken to KwaZulu-Natal and there we lived with my grandparents. Again I was not attached to my mother.
In 1997 mom took us back and in 1998 to 2001 I lived with my mom and her boyfriend who started to molest me in 1999. I was 9.
I was withdrawn.
Home was a nightmare for me.
I didn’t know that my mother loved me.
I got my fill of love in school through various teachers who held me together.
It was teachers that I was able to tell about my molestations and rapes.

My mother died in January 2001
My great aunt died in November 2001
James died in 2003/4
At this point I believed that I was the reason that all these people were dying.
I built very high walls.
Which affected how I related to my own parents (Carl and Marilynn).

I didn’t hug easily at home… I didn’t know how to.

I had the desire to show the affection but no capacity to follow through.

It took the LONGEST time.

But School me was very loving and affectionate.

I think that it was easy for me to be affectionate in school because I knew that those relationships were by and large not permanent so I could enjoy them while they lasted.

When I began dating, I would be in a relationship and if it didn’t work out. I would be able to move on relatively easily.

I came across as cold-hearted and as though I didn’t love the person as much as I had claimed to.

I have been consciously working on this.

The way I relate to my two younger sisters whom I had a relationship with for a short period of time because we got separated. Andile and I only really lived together when we were in KZN. She lived with relatives for a long time.
Mbali I spent more time because she and I lived with our mom.

When mom died and it was clear that we would not be living together it was devastating.

I was 10 and she was 5 when she went to live with other relatives.
For a while they would come and visit during holidays but things started getting strained and those visits stopped. I recently read a diary I wrote in 2002 and showcases how much I missed her in those early days.

What this has meant for me as me today (14 October 2018) I have a desire to spend time with my mom now but then the desire is not sustained.
So often I feel like this one womxn show who has friends and family but who is unable to always show up because the way I am wired.

Sometimes I wanna go and visit but then if my spirit is heavy… I cannot.

So it is a lot.

I have attachment issues.

I am just grateful that I am aware of this and thus I can recognise why I react the way that I do to various situations.

#Day14
#91DaysOfGratitude
#14October

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