If Fikile Mbalula were a Woman, His Ish Wouldn’t Have Leaked

He cheats…What did you expect?

How many times have you been cheated on and almost “died” because of it, you are nodding …yes countless times, and every single time it happens you pack your bags and its on to the next relationship….its tiring ne’ or do you stay and pray to the saint of relationships that his manhood does not slip into another woman again? Keep praying if that works for you and if does not work for you start taking notes, this is my general reaction to a cheat in the calmest voice this is what I say; “I am not mad that you cheat, I am mad that you let me catch you…I am mad that you leave traces of your mess, who goes to the loo and leaves their skid marks? Here is my suggestion lets break up and then be friends then maybe I can teach you how to do this thing properly”…shocked? and here is a thought if Fikile Mbalula was a woman his ish wouldn’t have leaked…I am just saying
now breathe studies have shown that women are better than men at this cheating game now lets embrace this thing here is what you shouldn’t do when you cheat;

Number 1;
Don’t under no circumstances send sms’ to the person you are cheating with, even if its to say “baby am going to be late” the point is we are all creatures of habit and once we get used to one mode of communication it never stops, that’s what we are comfortable with that’s what we will do, communicate via the office phone, works like a charm, after hours when and if you must communicate…..’Did you know that public phones still exist”…extreme? not really if you don’t want show your skid marks you will do that, two sim cards don’t work either you will just draw more attention to your nasty habits

Number 2
Do not keep receipts of restaurants or gifts for your side dish! What you keeping receipts for, tax purposes, sentimental reasons? You are cheating why you getting sentimental…lmao as for tax purposes when you buying gifts for the Side dish please, please use petty cash. The gifts should not be as big as a car, the moment you start buying cars is the moment the Side dish sees themselves in the place of the wife, they are already envisioning yachts…this will encourage the Side Dish to disrupt your family life, the Side dish will expose you because they want to move in now, now those inopportune sms’ and calls start rolling in.

Number 3
Do not hide the fact that you are in a relationship from the Side dish, Side dish will still do you whether there is someone else in the picture or not, you can play at their emotions about how unhappy you are and how you have no choice but to stay with your partner…this one normally works like a charm “you cannot imagine your life without your kids, your partner will take your kids away if you leave”…you don’t have kids?….who cares you are a cheater aren’t you, lie it cant get any worse. “My family will disown me if I leave her” this one might not take you too far but it will keep the Side Dish happy for a few months at the least, if that one’s charm has worn off try this “my partner is psycho everything I own and whoever am with will be destroyed” follow that on by giving a horrific story about how u once left your partner…use your imagination. Don’t talk about your partner too much though familiarity breeds contempt in this case contempt will never work in your favour,

Number 4
Never pick a Side Dish from your neighbourhood or your partners hood, Side dishes do tend to talk a lot about their nyatsi’s believe it or not, if its local meat word will get around, do not take your Side Dish to a local restaurant or local mall if the Side Dish needs to eat, be sweet order in, you are defeating the whole point of cheating if you do it in public,

Number 5;
No matter how exciting the Side Dish is never let her name slip into conversations at home, its called subconscious confessions the need to talk about the lady or guy at the office who is all of a sudden the wittiest or is such a helpful person and you have been working at the office for ages and now we cant have a conversation without “the colleague’s name popping in”…we know stolen s*#T is exciting but please contain yourself, don’t raise suspicion or interest in this person that’s a sure fire way of getting caught.

Number 6;
Let your partner know where you are going to be incase you seen at strange in a strange hood do not be secretive about your comings and goings, be “transparent”

I know it hurts being cheated on and you just want to burn someone house down and trash his car, guess what? Your sexy self will be arrested for acting in that way, besides how many houses are you going to torch down before we start calling you crazy b#*tch…here is a thought, what are chances that you will be bothered by his/her bull if you are doing your own thing? Final word do not have unwanted babies whose origins have to be verified in a lab and do condomise… unless the condom does a Fikile Mbalula on you, then you are on your own.

By Coslin Mokoka
@coslin1 on twitter

Posted in My opinion.

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